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Much Ado About Nothing – “Plane Rude”

Much Ado About Nothing October 30, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Okay kids, we’ve been over this before, but it’s time for a reminder. Manners only take moments. So take a minute before heading to the airport to jump on a plane and think through how you can avoid acting like, smelling like or appearing to be a complete bafoon. While I respect your right for you to be you, maybe just rein in some of that you-ness when trapped with a large group of other humans in a small compartment for an extended period.

For your next flight, consider what you’re wearing. Or not wearing. We all want to be comfortable, but I honestly believe there is a time when a bra is not the worst thing that’s ever happened to you. Unfortunately some things just can’t be unseen.

I also think wearing pajama pants for a flight only invites karma to strand you in an airport overnight. If someone has to get bumped off a flight, it’s likely not the person dressed as if they own business class. And if those people do get bumped, look for them to get that nice hotel voucher from the airline. If you’re already dressed for bed, then find your own special corner of Gate A32 and settle in for the night

Maybe you don’t wear your Sunday Best to the airport, but may I strongly encourage you to take that once a week Sunday bath within 24-hours of your departure time. Even if it’s not Sunday. That air up there is recycled and the rest of us can only breathe through our mouths so long. Don’t make me spritz you with vinegar and Febreeze.

And for the sake of everything holy, can you please check your bag! Just pay the fee already, because there is not going to be room for your suitcase, your backpack, your overstuffed shopping bag, your baby stroller and your purse in the overhead. Seventy-four people dressed like they own business class have gotten on before you with all those things and taken up all the space. The time waiting to get your stuff back from the flight attendants who confiscated it and sent it down to baggage, you could have gotten your bag from the carousel and been half way to your final destination.

Now return your seat to its upright position and be better humans already.

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Creepy Crawlies”

Much Ado About Nothing October 24, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

With the spooky and all together ookey season of Halloween upon us, it’s time to cut the eye holes in the bedsheet for your ghost costume, stock up on one bag more of the fun-size Snickers than you’ll actually pass out, and get a new pet. I suggest an adorable bone-eating snot-flower. What? Can’t find one at the animal shelter? Don’t look in the flower section because they’re actually worms, plus they get snapped up as soon as they arrive. No worries. You can find them devouring whale carcasses in the ocean. Change your ghost costume to the Navy SEAL costume and go bag one.

Maybe a mucus-covered water worm isn’t your ideal. I get that. What about a screaming hairy armadillo? Your friends will all be amazed that you actually have a live armadillo as so many of us believe they’re just born dead on the side of West Texas highways. This precious pet, while relatively compatible with children (who stay away from it and don’t try to pet or cuddle it), will not do well in a house with pet snakes as they are prone to jump on them and slice them in half with the edge of their shell. And they scream.

If neither of those choices seem to resonate with you, may I suggest – since you still have on your Navy SEAL costume – a Vampyroteuthis infernalis. It’s not like your neighbors will think you got one just because they have one as they would if you adopted a Labradoodle puppy. Also known as Vampire Squid from Hell, these cute cephalopods (wishing you’d paid attention in Biology class now, aren’t you?), aren’t actually vampires or blood-suckers nor do they live in Hell. Although a good half mile or more down in the ocean might seem like right next door. Nothing welcomes you home after a long day at work like a Vampire Squid (as long as you don’t startle it).

Still not feeling it? Maybe this is the Halloween for a new pet Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko! Okay, okay, not that, but what about a Devil’s Flower Mantis? No? Fine, put the sheet back on and adopt a Ghost Ant! And just a head’s up: if you smell coconut, you’ve probably just stepped on your ghost ant.

No matter what pet you choose: Adopt! Don’t Shop! And Happy Halloween!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Pig Tools”

Much Ado About Nothing October 17, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

According to a recent National Geographic article, pigs have been caught using tools for the first time. Seems some ecologist was hanging out at the zoo in Paris and saw a Visayan warty pig pick up a piece of bark in its mouth and start digging with it, pushing the dirt around to make a nest. While you want to cheer for the Visayan warty pigs because they’re a critically endangered species native to the Philippines and the whole warty thing makes you feel bad for them, but come on. It’s not like they just created real competition for Caterpillar earth-moving equipment. Besides, plenty of pigs have done more impressive things.

The persistent muppet, Miss Piggy pulled herself out of the pen to a position of popularity and prominence, practically pounding any proposed opposition. A star of television and film, she’s large and in charge with a mean karate chop and a designer wardrobe equal to any. She’s used every tool in the arsenal to get to the top of her game, so what the heck Nat Geo?!

I know three little pigs who built homes. Okay, yes, some more sturdy than others. Nick Jr Network’s Peppa Pig is all about adventure and giving little kids tools for life. That spider Charlotte in her Web couldn’t say enough about her pig, Wilbur. And don’t even start on that adorable, Babe, who herded sheep and sang little songs. “That’ll do, pig.”

Of course not all pigs put their power to positive production. Just ask my favorite high school English teacher, Miss Darling. She made us read George Orwell’s “Animal Farm” and probably assigned a couple of those compare-and-contrast, symbolism, great moments in literature papers that I always lost points on because punctuation always seemed to me like more of a suggestion than a rule. (That hasn’t changed.) But Orwell’s boss pig, Napoleon, was a bad bit of bacon! Good Lord, he sends the old workhorse to the glue factory! Talk about a tool!

Not to take away from Visayan warty pig’s discovery of the spatula. It obviously made the Nat Geo folks squeal. Or it was a really slow news day. Really slow. I’m just saying don’t pooh-pooh the power of Piglet, people. So in the words of Porky Pig, “Th-th-th-that’s all folks!”

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Santa School”

Much Ado About Nothing October 10, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Three hundred Christmas trees in Target stores the first week of October is bad. Three hundred Santas in the lobby where you work the first week of October is crazy good! It means your facility is hosting one of the oldest and preeminent Santa schools in the country and class is in session! Try having a rotten day at work when the line in the ladies’ room is all jolly, holly-draped grandma-types who drank too much peppermint tea during the “Being Mrs. Claus” breakout session.

One might wonder – okay, it’s me. I’m wondering! – what exactly goes on at Santa school? Do you debate the number of ho’s in your ho-ho-ho’ing or frosted sugar cookies vs sprinkles? I tried quizzing random Santa’s between classes to see what I could find out, and they were all pretty tight lipped. It’s not like I was asking for the secret formula for flying reindeer corn. They just all chuckled and told me to work harder to stay off the naughty list (like that’ll happen). While Undaunted is not one of the reindeer team, it’s exactly what I was, so I went to the internet.

According to the Charles W. Howard Santa School website, aspiring and seasoned Santas can, among other things, “Practice Santa Flight Lessons.” That sounds a little like Santa has a posse covering the exits and a plan to jet the scene if the po-po shows to break up the ho-ho. Do we really want Santa to be a flight risk?

Santas can also attend the session on “Live Reindeer Habits.” What? I’m doing a quick check with building maintenance to find out who gave clearance to have a 400-pound caribou in the auditorium. I’m hoping the first habit that’s getting covered is how many times does a 400-pound caribou need to be walked outside every day to avoid a localized carpet catastrophe. Exactly how many Santas have a reindeer anyway? It’s not like you can run over to the local animal shelter and adopt a Rudolph.

As expected, there are sessions on handling terrified toddlers, what must-have toys need to be coming off that elfin assembly line in China, and accounting advice to keep Santa off the IRS naughty list. But most importantly, they’re all learning “He errs who thinks Santa enters through the chimney. Santa enters through the heart.” (Charles W. Howard, 1937)

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Eeeeeee Baseball”

Much Ado About Nothing October 3, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Like any consummate baseball fan, I’m super superstitious. Just like baseball players who jump over rather than stepping on the chalked baseline, won’t speak the words “no hitter” during a game that could potentially prove to be one, and Houston Astro’s pitcher Justin Verlander eating three crunchy taco supremes (no tomato), a cheesy gordita crunch and a Mexican pizza (no tomato) from Taco Bell before every start. Which seems strange, a guy who doesn’t want runs eating at Taco Bell.

I haven’t written about baseball at all this season, so I’m nervous about doing it now, particularly with my Astros in the playoffs. But there are regular season rituals and playoff rituals. With that said, understand that until the Astros once again hoist that World Series trophy, I’ll be wearing my lucky pink socks inside out, only watching the games from my favorite chair with two table lamps on (even for day games), and, of course, not washing my favorite lucky Astros shirt. Small things, I know, but this is October baseball and every little bit matters.

If you doubt the strength of the baseball superstitions, check out Hall of Famer Craig Biggio’s batting helmet: he practically wore a hole in it from the millions of times he adjusted it exactly the same way every at bat. And it worked. Three thousand and sixty hits don’t lie. Even today’s team understands. When in September Josh Reddick hadn’t taken a pitch out of the park since the All-star break, he wore an injured George Springer’s pants to the plate. I’m not sure exactly how that conversation went, maybe, “Hey, I left my pants at home and since you’re not wearing those…” Whatever, he hit a homer in the next two games. Face it, Springer, you’re not getting your pants back.

Before Roger Clemens started a game, he had a trainer rub the hottest possible liniment on his testicles. Between Roger and the trainer, I’m not sure who had the worse end of that deal. But if that’s not gross enough, Moises Alou, who hit .355 with 30 HRs for the Astros in 2000, never wore batting gloves. Instead, to toughen up his hands, he urinated on them. Knowing this kind of stuff happens makes you seriously rethink asking for that autograph.

Now grab your cheesy gordita crunch, your lucky socks and GO ‘STROS!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Stripping”

Much Ado About Nothing September 26, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

I came home the other day with a stripper. What the heck, the kids are out of the house now, I’ve got more time to be creative, so why not do something out of my box and a little crazy? Admittedly, I have never purchased a stripper or really understood what goes into stripping, but, on a whim, I just took it upon myself to try something new. You can imagine the reaction I got at home! Of course, when I say stripper, I’m not talking about a sexy dress and a hot night. I mean an ugly dresser and a hot garage. You knew that, right?

The day before, I’d rescued a dresser from an abusive household. Five solid wood drawers covered in six colors of bad paint. Half the knobs were missing; drawers had water damage; and no one was offering up an explanation about the scratches that looked like they could only have been caused by a rogue power tool. I understand it’s a hard world out there and bad things happen to good furniture, but this was a sad thing to see. So I brought it home and started stripping.

Then I started grumbling which soon turned to mid-level snarling and finally became some impressive cussing. You see, furniture stripper turns paint into a snot-like glue with underlying demonic properties. I started believing that nothing short of a papal exorcism was going to get that paint glob to give up its possession of that dresser. Lots of chemicals that can kill you if ingested, lots of scraping, lots of wiping down, more chemicals, more scraping, then sanding until the wood was so close to its original state that I thought it’d sprout leaves.

After several weekends of intense rehabilitation, several coats of stain and varnish, a set of matched drawer pulls and more money than I would have spent on an entire suite of new bedroom furniture, what had once been rejected as kindling for a trash fire was now a proud and lovely addition to the house, a beautiful work of craftsmanship that can be treasured for generations. (Or better be after what I went through to clean it up.)

Next time, though, I’ll think twice before I drop my drawers on the garage floor and save another dresser. Some things should just be left to the professionals!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Car Shows”

Much Ado About Nothing September 19, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Brace yourself! Jean Ciampi is going to show her ignorance once again. While this is not a novelty, the target of that ignorance is: car shows. I just don’t get car shows. From what I understand (which obviously isn’t much), you have a vehicle that you’ve spent a sum equivalent to the national debt on but don’t really drive and you park it somewhere so other  broke car collectors can come look at it. Did I get that right?

I totally get home and garden shows. You go to one of those and get ideas for outdoor kitchens that can potentially cost more than the value of your actual home. Plus, you can register to win two rooms of free carpet cleaning. You go to bridal shows because where else can a girl find out about intergalactic destination weddings and trending must-have bridesmaids’ dresses that will look ugly on everyone? I suppose if I was looking to invest in a steer, a llama, or an adorable dinky donkey, I’d go to a livestock show. Even quilt shows, for some reason, make more sense to me and I can’t so much as sew on a button. But not car shows.

They seem, though, to pop up everywhere. I feel like the minute K-Mart or Sears post the Store Closing signs, they might as well post the car show coming signs. Any big parking lot is just a car show waiting to happen. At night, no less! How can you truly appreciate the factory-original valve covers of a 1966 Shelby 427 Cobra in the dark? (Note: I had to Google engine parts and cool classic cars to even write that sentence.)

I say if you have a really cool car that you’re really proud of, drive it! A lot. Having a beautiful car hidden in the garage under a car cover is not much different than my grandmother putting plastic on her sofa to keep it nice for the one day a year that the Baptist preacher comes over.

My suspicion about car shows – correct me if I’m wrong – is that they’re just an excuse for guys to hang around somewhere besides at home, give them something to talk about besides the losing record of the <insert sports team name here>, and have a valid reason to avoid the home, garden and bridal shows!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Texas”

Much Ado About Nothing September 12, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Have you ever noticed how many things in Texas want to kill you? The list is not short! In a state known for welcoming hospitality and friendly people, if you’re not careful, you’ll end up slightly less than alive. Forget the whole concealed carry thing, these are much sneakier threats.

Snakes. Texas is full of snakes that want to kill you. Rattlesnakes, copperheads, cotton-mouthed water moccasins and coral snakes are just slithery assassins. Even king snakes that just look like coral snakes could probably kill you simply because you’ll have a heart attack and die before realizing the ring colors are in the wrong order. Add them to the list.

Spiders, like the black widow and brown recluse, alligators and sharks are waiting for you to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ticks want to infect you with all kinds of terrible things that will make you wish you were dead even if they don’t actually kill you.

On the How Not to Die in Texas list is also: Don’t eat oleanders, azaleas or daffodils. They’ll kill you. Rhubarb pies are good. Rhubarb leaves will kill you. Water hemlock and, no surprise, Poisonous Hemlock will also kill you.

You don’t need me to tell you that the heat, the heated humidity, and the heat are a quick way to get yourself not alive. When Dallas clocks in at 80 degrees on Christmas Day in 2016, you’re living on the hot side of Hell. Hurricane storm surges on the coast, tornadoes pretty much everywhere else could potentially be a real threat if you don’t pay attention to the weather because you’re stomping snakes or eating oleanders.

Texas is number one in so many great ways, however, it was also ranked number one in auto accident fatalities in 2017. You’re more likely to die on the road in Texas than anywhere else in the US. So if you see a snake, don’t swerve to miss it and get in an accident that could potentially kill you or others.

Despite all this, Davy Crockett said, “I must say as to what I have seen of Texas, it is the garden spot of the world. The best land & best prospects for health I ever saw is here, and I do believe it is a fortune to any man to come here.”  Of course, too, he’s dead.

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Real Email”

Much Ado About Nothing September 5, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

One day last week, I got an email from a friend. It wasn’t my best friend, but it was someone that I’d known over the years. According to the email, he was in the Philippines for some program that had, by the way, gone really well for him. Except, he’d just been mugged at gun point and all his valuables, credit cards, cash and phone had been stolen. Poor thing needed my help to get home and could I please send a Western Union wire transfer of a large sum of money to him immediately.

Yeah, I got right on that. Right after I fed my unicorn.

My first thought was if everything had been stolen, how was he sending me the email? He must have had enough change left in his pockets for a mocha double latte at the Philippines Starbucks so he could utilize the free wi-fi, except I’m sure his computer was nicked with the rest of his valuables in the mugging, right? Maybe somebody at Starbucks left their email open when they went to the bathroom, so he quickly logged in to send the message to me. That’s probably what he did.

My second tip off that maybe, oh just maybe, his account had been hacked was him sending it to me in the first place. I’m guessing if this guy is stuck out of the country, half beaten, broke and needing help, he’d have to get pretty far down his emergency contact list before he got to me. Unless his wife, kids, parents, next door neighbors, insurance agent and college roommate had all refused the charges for his international collect call for help, I’m probably not going to be the one he asks for cash. I’m not sure he’d even have asked me for the time of day in person, let alone a major loan via email.

I find it interesting that there are people smart enough to hack into someone’s email account and send out a message to everyone on the contact list with the signature of the poor hacking victim. Yet, the hacker is stupid enough to think anyone would fall for the hoax. And as soon as my friend gets home from the Philippines, heals up and gets a new phone, I’m going to call and tell him that!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Christmas Toys”

Much Ado About Nothing August 28, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

On August 27 (yes, just a very few short days ago), Starbucks released the pumpkin spice kraken back into the universe as if that would prematurely summons all things autumn. It did not. I did, however, immediately throw the seasonal space-time continuum into a cataclysmic tailspin, to which WalMart reacted by announcing their biggest ever holiday toy list. Holiday, in this usage, does not mean Labor Day, Columbus/Indigenous Peoples Day, Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Halloween, Veterans Day, Thanksgiving, or even World Smile Day which falls on October 4th this year. No ho ho, before summer has even officially ended, the Christmas machinery is in motion.

The world’s largest retailer dropped a list of 48 must-have-or-your-childhood-is-ruined toys that had been rated by kids who tested and played with Lord knows how many toys and chose these. I guess the good news is that Little Johnny got a job at 8-years old. The bad news is that nothing takes the fun out of fun like making it work. I just picture some bad-tempered slave-driver of a boss badgering some kid to make his toy quota: “You got 5 minutes to play with 78 more toys, kid, or we’re gettin’ someone in here who will!”

And, making sure that Christmas is completely and whole-heartedly commercialized and degraded to merely being a money-making scheme, WalMart is adding 40 new toys from kid-influencer brands. If you’re over the age of about 28, you’re wondering (as I did), what the heck is a kid-influencer brand. It sounds just a little diabolic, to be honest.

Kid-influencers are little kids videotaped for YouTube that other little kids watch and want to be like. So when Kid-Influencer Suzy posts her new vid of her playing with matches and drinking bleach (or the latest thing some toymaker has paid her big bucks to play with in her video), then all the 108 million kids who follow her want to do it, too. So, yeah, I’m sticking with the diabolic assessment.

Parents, first of all, have your children’s faces surgically removed from all screens. Get them off the couch and off the YouTube. Send them outside until they can think for themselves. Sure, they may stand out there until their brains finally congeal enough to go back inside, but trust me that everyone – except WalMart – will thank you later! And Merry Labor Day!

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Vulture Vomit”

Much Ado About Nothing August 22, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Which Syrian gypsy do you have to piss off to get a curse laid on you that makes two dozen, Federally-protected black vultures vomit and poop all over your three quarters of a million dollar Florida vacation home? Siobhan Casimano of New York knows because that horrible black cloud has settled over his West Palm Beach vacation house. He describes the smell as “like a thousand rotting corpses.” Considering the dietary habits of an average American vulture, I’d say, yeah, that’s probably about right.

Oh but wait! It gets better! The extremely unwelcome feathered visitors aren’t just hanging out in the yard politely making their putrid mess. No. They have clawed apart the screened enclosures and taken over the pool and barbecue. I’m sure it won’t be long before they’re raiding the liquor cabinet and joy-riding in the Mercedes. It’s like being overrun by drunk zombie frat boys on Spring Break times 24 million!

Turns out, the curse-casting Syrian gypsy lives in the neighborhood. One of the neighbors (who may or may not be an actual Syrian gypsy) has been feeding the giant carcass consumers. We’re not talking sunflower seeds and songbird mix here either. She’s putting out bags of dog food and entire chickens. Which makes you wonder if the cuckooberry bush hasn’t bloomed there. I mean, I feed the hummingbirds, but they don’t puke decomposing flesh all over me.

And because Mr. Casimano has earned the front row seat on the express bus to hell, there’s nothing he can do to the vultures. They’re migratory and therefore protected by federal law. Everything he’s tried hoping to scare them off has only annoyed them so they attack him. No small thing when you consider their beaks can bite through bones. Or your skull. Or the skull of the president of the homeowners association who also can’t do anything about the big barf birds or the woman who keeps feeding them.

More bad news? Black vultures have no natural predators. Therefore, the options remaining here, as I see it, are to just burn down the entire neighborhood. I don’t think anyone will fight that. Obviously, property values are now on the menu at Café Corpse.

On the bright side, this makes having my in-laws visit for a week not seem so bad.

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Much Ado About Nothing – “DMV”

Much Ado About Nothing August 15, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

After a great amount of teeth-gnashing and moral struggle, I finally accepted the fact that I had to get a new driver’s license. I hope you’re happy, Public Library, and can you please process my card now? Of the many reasons for the apocalyptic level of resistance, primary was the simple fact that I didn’t want to give up being a card-carrying Texan. If you don’t live in Texas, you probably don’t understand. If you do, then give me a “Hell Yeah!”

Next on the list, I dreaded giving up hours of my life sitting in the Department of Motor Vehicles waiting. However, the reality that I can only play the tourist card so long and I wanted to check out a library book finally won out. So, it was two and half hours of my life I can never reclaim, but I’m sure I would have foolishly squandered it anyway doing something ridiculous like playing Candy Crush on my phone. Oh wait, that’s exactly what I did.

I also learned every private detail about a woman in line behind me because she talked on her phone the whole time. Loudly. I can’t say I’ve ever had the police come to my residence more than twice in one night but maybe I’m not the norm. Truly, I do hope it all works out for her, whoever she is.

During the wait, I did have Terrell Owens teach me how to play Sudoku on his iPad. Okay, maybe it wasn’t THE Terrell Owens, Hall of Fame wide receiver for the NFL, but if you kind of squinted really hard, it’d look like him. And that’s the name the guy was renewing on his driver’s license, so maybe it was him. What else are you going to do after retiring from pro football except try and teach me some crazy math puzzle.

With it all said and done, I spent some quality time with other great residents of my county and quite a few of their tired, screaming, sticky children. I can now realize the big pay-off of being able to vote, sit on a jury of my peers, get a fishing license at a fraction of the price, utilize the city dump twice a month, and freely check out every book at my local library. Texas will just have to understand.

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Hate Hate”

Much Ado About Nothing August 7, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

I was reading about a mass shooting and realized it wasn’t the one I thought just happened because another one, completely unrelated, had happened just a few hours later. And it made me angry. Anger, though, is almost always either fear or sadness. In this case, I believe it is equal measures of both. As a community, a country, a world, we need to take another look at what we’re doing individually and collectively to allow this to happen.

For those who react with “Thoughts and Prayers,” keep doing that. Keep thinking of ways to be the change that reminds us we’re all children of God who deserve compassion, love, and safety regardless of which side of the issue or the gun you stand on. And pray to your God, the God, a God for healing and understanding. We need that within ourselves and throughout our broken world. Then stretch out of your comfort zone and join the “We Have to Do Something” folks.

We definitely do have to do something, but I don’t think it’s a one-off. If you want to point fingers, then spread your hands out wide and point them all: mental health, gun access, disenfranchisement of our youth, hate, fear, blame. But if you stop now and look, your hands are open and outstretched. Keep them there. Let your arms and heart and mind follow.

Maybe you feel like you can’t change the world – maybe you can’t. But you can change yourself. Channel your fear and sadness away from hate and blame and use it as motivation to do something positive. Volunteer in your community so there are safe, constructive places for kids to go besides inside a computer screen. Meet your neighbors and keep a finger on how they’re doing. Do they need support? Can you be it or help them find it? Do you need support? Can you find it? It really is there if you reach out!

Get involved with your local government and offer your voice where it can be heard and actually make an impact. Railing on social media won’t change anything, but railing in a city council meeting might! If it doesn’t, then get off your computer and get on city council!

Rudyard Kipling said, “Keep your head when those around you are losing theirs.” It’s advice for our time. We can turn this around.

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Much Ado About Nothing – “Canada Tea Eh”

Much Ado About Nothing August 1, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

I just visited Canada for the first time. Canada, for those of you who never once showed up for your World Geography class in high school, is that really big country just north of the United States. It’s that place everyone says they’re moving to when their candidate doesn’t win except it’s more expensive and harder to get into than the US. Canada is known for having a prime minister with really good hair, dominating winter sports like curling, finishing every sentence with “eh,” and they’ve got a heckin’ lotta moose. What Canada does not have at all anywhere is unsweet tea. Like nowhere.

Honestly, I don’t understand this phenomenon. This is a first world country! They’re part of the British Commonwealth. As in England! That place that stops everything around 4pm to have … wait for it … tea. Yet, in Canada, there is not a drop that isn’t steeped in some kind of diabetes-inducing, beverage-ruining sugary substance.

Now admittedly, I didn’t scour the entire 3.8 million square miles of the whole country. Of course, 39% of the country is above the Arctic Circle and, let’s face it, no tea is worth being attacked and eaten by a polar bear, so I’m just going to say there’s no unsweet tea there. But I did a thorough search of several stores including WalMart, convenience marts, restaurants, even fast food places one would expect to find unsweet tea like Subway, Starbucks, and a strange place called Pita Pit. And nothing.

If you ask for unsweet tea — even if you speak slowly, explain you want tea that is not sweet at all with anything, just tea and water — you get artificially sweetened sweet tea. And this is no sorta kinda barely sweet tea we’re talking about. There are places in the heart of the Deep South that don’t have tea that sweet. Yet, it’s like I’m speaking some completely foreign language. Although, let me point out, these people do speak English. Okay, yes, they speak French, too, but it’s not like I’m the first American English speaking person to pop over the border.

So Canada, the trade routes are open. Send us a couple of moose and an autographed picture of the prime minister and we’ll send you some unsweet tea. Just give it a try. You’ll love it! I promise, eh.

  • What I Heard This Week 10-26-2023

    by on October 25, 2023 - 0 Comments

    Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures.  He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “

  • What I Heard This Week 11-30-2023

    by on November 29, 2023 - 0 Comments

    Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures.  He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “

  • Much Ado About Nothing - Texan in Winter

    by on December 6, 2018 - 0 Comments

    The power went out at my house last night for four hours. While this may not seem like a major catastrophe as it was the middle of the night and […]

  • Much Ado About Nothing - “Human Bait”

    by on January 16, 2020 - 0 Comments

    My dad always told me to have a backup plan in case my current job doesn’t work out. I wasn’t sure what that’d be until I saw this ad: “HUMAN […]

  • What I Heard This Week! December 20, 2018

    by on December 20, 2018 - 0 Comments

    The AK-47 is a type of assault rifle originally manufactured in the Soviet Union in 1949. A 17-year-old Humble High School student accidently shot herself recently with an AK-47 that […]

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