So I’m trolling through the internet trying to find out why Prince Harry and Meghan Markel named the new prince baby Archie, and I come across an article on “What Not to Eat After 40.” Okay, I’m a decade plus over 40 and it was about lunchtime, so I clicked on it. First thing out of the gate: Oreos. Don’t eat Oreos after 40. I’m out. Honestly, I didn’t read past that. Separating us from our Oreo cookies is how the enemy gets a foothold. No, people, I say no!
Before you pick up your poison pen and start writing me concerned letters explaining the evils of processed sugars, don’t bother. I read that article last week when I was trolling for “How to Retire Before 60.” And I get it. Diabetes, right. I understand that. Unnecessary, senseless weight gain, yup. That, too. And, of course, if grocery stores sold cocaine, it’d be on the shelf right next to the bags of sugar. Sugar is the source of all health evils, but I’m not talking about sugar. Stay focused! Oreos! We’re talking about eradicating Oreos! And I still say NO! And here’s why:
Beyond the pure goodness of the original, the new Dark Chocolate and the Carrot Cake Oreos are proof of the Illuminati. S’mores Oreos, Red Velvet Oreos, Cool Mint Crème are life. But if you insist on feeling healthy, try the Organic Oreos, or Sugar Free Oreos with 450% more fiber! HELLO! Skip the oatmeal, kids! Oreo cookies for breakfast all around! If you’re adventurous, there’s Green Tea, Swedish Fish, and Waffles & Syrup Oreos but plan to add the cost of plane tickets to Japan and Malaysia to the price tag.
In all sincerity, I get that you have to make reasonable changes to your diet as you get older to avoid becoming the human equivalent of Jabba the Hut, but why are there no articles that tout the wisdom of cutting out cilantro after 40? There’s no way cilantro is good for you at any age. And certainly reasonable changes can’t include completely eliminating Oreos. Otherwise, you might as well publish articles about premature death caused by people over 40 losing any reason to exist in a world that has no Oreos.
Oreos might even make royal baby Archie feel better about that name.
