I’ve long since given up the notion of convincing Santa Claus that I’ve been good all year in the hopes of elevating my prospects to find cool stuff under my tree on Christmas morning. I mean, who are we kidding? He knows better, especially if he reads this column with any regularity. However, after just a little online shopping I’ve realized that there may very well be worse things than getting coal in your stocking! I’m thinking I might want to clean up my act!
I have to wonder how bad you have to be during the year to wake up on Christmas morning to find that Santa brought you “Poo in a Box: Grow a Banana Plant in Rhino Poo.” I may be on the naughty list but not because I make up stuff like that. The Museum of Natural Science in London actually sells this. It even comes with the banana seeds. There is just no possible way to fake a response that will in any way make it seem like you’re happy and excited to have received that. But maybe next year you’ll be better behaved.
If your efforts at goodness were subpar, you may find “Lincoln Bandages” in your stocking. My first thought was that someone was trying to sell the actual bandages used to nurse the fatally wounded 16th president of the United States, and, for the right price, you could have some of the bloody cloths. Fortunately, it turns out that they are only band-aides with a picture of Abraham Lincoln on them. Thank goodness for that, because my idea was really yucky.
Maybe you weren’t so diligent about keeping last year’s resolutions to stick to your diet or, even worse, you stole all of the cookies left out for Santa. If so, you’re probably going to get the Animal Weighing Scale. Oh no, it’s not going to weigh your animals. It will give you your weight in a comparative animal picture rather than a number. Too much Christmas goose and you may tick in closer to a grizzly bear than a duck. If you top out at African Elephant, it’s time to hit the gym.
All I can say is that if these gift possibilities aren’t an Ebenezer Scrooge Ghost of Christmas Future kind of moment that gets you to be a better person, then don’t come Bah-humbugging to me! Remember: Santa is watching!
