My dad always told me to have a backup plan in case my current job doesn’t work out. I wasn’t sure what that’d be until I saw this ad: “HUMAN BAIT NEEDED! Volunteer position for Bigfoot research project. This Fall. In Texas. Safety not guaranteed. Must have strong work ethic and some camping skills. Reward: Fame. Visit Human-Bait.com to apply.”
Of course, it’s in Texas. Like that even needed to be included. So, I’ve got camping skills. I can make an excellent s’more. But I still need to set myself apart from the other candidates. Based on my early dating history, I obviously can attract super hairy, back-woods knuckle-draggers with questionable hygiene. And absolutely, I will work for fame. Is now too soon to contact the editors at People Magazine to reserve my cover story?
I’m going to assume from the ad that the benefits package is minimal. Correct me if you see it differently, but does “Safety not guaranteed” mean there’s no dental plan? It’s not a deal-breaker but just want to be clear up front.
I’m also already prepared to answer the “Where do you hope to be in five years?” interview question. If I survive it, the Bigfoot gig is my springboard into the big leagues. My pathway of upward mobility is into a paying position with the Association of Haunt Mariana in Belo Horizonte, Brazil. They’re paying $1,000 a day (or whatever that amount is in Brazil) to be monster bait! For a thousand smackeroos, sign me up!
These folks have been terrorized by the Brazilian version of a Chupacabra, a bizarre monster they’re blaming for the mass deaths of livestock and four humans already! According to reports, the beast has the body of a monkey, legs like a chicken and head and scales resembling a lizard. Honestly, this sounds far more ridiculous than frightening, but they want it gone. So okay, let’s get ‘er done.
The thing is believed to live underwater, only coming onto dry land to prey on helpless victims. So, the plan is for the human bait to sit in a cage underwater with a goat. I mean, what monkeychickenlizard thing could resist that combo?! Now to Google “Goat Snorkels.” I’ll need one of those.
With the opportunities piling up, why am I wasting my talents here?! The world of human bait awaits!
