Christmas carols are out of control. There’s a radio station dedicated to playing nothing but Christmas music in every possible genre: Country Christmas, Reggae, Classical Christmas, Dyslexic Middle Earth Nomadic Goat Herder Christmas on Antique Native Instruments. But what exactly are we listening to? I thought I’d take a look.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a song by a vulnerable child traumatized by witnessing the perceived infidelity of his mother as she goes full lip-lock on Santa Claus, an identified stranger. As the song goes on, the child promises to rat out his lying, cheating mother to his dad. I’m not sure what the expected outcomes are from that nor do I want to venture a guess.

“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” is only on the radio so Jerry Springer has something to sing along with, too. I’m not sure the demise of the family matriarch is reason to slap down an upbeat tune, and the fact that the poor thing died as the result of a hit-and-run accident sounds more like a prosecutable crime than a toe-tapping carol.

“Santa Baby” is the Entitlement Movement’s theme song. How good do you exactly have to be to get a fur coat, platinum mine, cash, jewelry, and a 1954 Cadillac 62 Series Convertible in light blue? Personally, if I get the bonus pair of crew socks when you buy package of six it’s because I exceeded expected goodness levels for that year.

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” threatens children to “watch out!” and “not pout!” because St. Nick sees you when you’re sleeping, when you’re awake, probably in the shower, forget using the bathroom with any privacy. That’s not Santa Claus, that’s Alexa. But they’re probably in cahoots. Either way, Santa Claus is overstepping some boundaries.

“The Little Drummer Boy” is just ridiculous because no mother, not even the mother of the Christ, is going to allow some strange boy to bang on a drum if she’s just gotten her baby to sleep. Are you kidding? The sheep are forbidden to so much as bleat or breath! Drum? Pffft. Right.

Finally, it’s “Auld Lang Syne “ not “Old Ang Sign.” Let’s face it, no one knows the words past “May old acquaintance be forgot.” And let’s hum the rest.

So on that note, “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.”