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Much Ado About Nothing – “Real Email”

Much Ado About Nothing September 5, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

One day last week, I got an email from a friend. It wasn’t my best friend, but it was someone that I’d known over the years. According to the email, he was in the Philippines for some program that had, by the way, gone really well for him. Except, he’d just been mugged at gun point and all his valuables, credit cards, cash and phone had been stolen. Poor thing needed my help to get home and could I please send a Western Union wire transfer of a large sum of money to him immediately.

Yeah, I got right on that. Right after I fed my unicorn.

My first thought was if everything had been stolen, how was he sending me the email? He must have had enough change left in his pockets for a mocha double latte at the Philippines Starbucks so he could utilize the free wi-fi, except I’m sure his computer was nicked with the rest of his valuables in the mugging, right? Maybe somebody at Starbucks left their email open when they went to the bathroom, so he quickly logged in to send the message to me. That’s probably what he did.

My second tip off that maybe, oh just maybe, his account had been hacked was him sending it to me in the first place. I’m guessing if this guy is stuck out of the country, half beaten, broke and needing help, he’d have to get pretty far down his emergency contact list before he got to me. Unless his wife, kids, parents, next door neighbors, insurance agent and college roommate had all refused the charges for his international collect call for help, I’m probably not going to be the one he asks for cash. I’m not sure he’d even have asked me for the time of day in person, let alone a major loan via email.

I find it interesting that there are people smart enough to hack into someone’s email account and send out a message to everyone on the contact list with the signature of the poor hacking victim. Yet, the hacker is stupid enough to think anyone would fall for the hoax. And as soon as my friend gets home from the Philippines, heals up and gets a new phone, I’m going to call and tell him that!

Much Ado About Nothing – Presidential Pests

Much Ado About Nothing April 25, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

When Game of Thrones is in its final season and you suddenly realize you’ve forgotten to watch even a single episode the entire eight years it’s been on, most people just call in to work then binge watch Netflix for a couple of days. Sure, sometimes you have to stretch to come up with an excuse you haven’t already used. I mean, how many times can Grandma die? But if you’re the president of an African nation, you conjure up a few rodents and reptiles and boom! You’re home for a month!

Just last week Liberian President George Weah packed up and headed to the house because two black snakes were seen in the building where he typically offices. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not faulting the guy. If even one snake of any color was spotted where I work, I’d burn the entire structure and three surrounding acres to the ground. The fact that I work from home does not change my decision matrix on that. But I’m not the president of anything, so maybe in his position, he could have scrambled the entire Liberian military to find the two snakes and relocate them to Nigeria. Seems they’ve got a rat problem and a couple extra snakes wouldn’t be a bad thing there.

Nigerian President Muhammadu Buhari has just announced that he will be working from home for the next three months after rats damaged the furniture and air conditioning in his office. When the leader’s away, the rats will play after all. President Buhari has just spent the last three months “working” in the United Kingdom, and while he was away, the rats went full Mick-Jagger-hotel-room-remodel mode and trashed the joint. Or so he says. I’m not saying I’d be happy about rats in my office, but if you’re the president and you can’t get an exterminator out for three months, Nigeria may have bigger problems.

Closer to home, our own White House tends to battle cockroaches and rats. Donald Trump and Barack Obama have both fought flies because flies are obviously nonpartisan pests. But thro’ the perilous fight against rats, roaches, and biting flies, o’er the ramparts we watch’d, our president was still there. Which, right there, explains why we are the land of the free and the home of the brave. Now go on back to watching Netflix.

Much Ado About Nothing – For Real Email

Much Ado About Nothing April 18, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

One day last week, I got an email from a friend. It wasn’t my best friend, but it was someone that I’d known through kid sports teams over the years. According to the email, he was in the Philippines for some program that had, by the way, gone really well for him. Except, he’d just been mugged at gun point and all his valuables, credit cards, cash and phone had been stolen. Poor thing needed my help to get home and could I please send a Western Union wire transfer of a large sum of money to him immediately.

Yeah, I got right on that. Right after I fed my unicorn.

My first thought was that if everything had been stolen, how was he sending me the email? He must have had enough change left in his pockets for a mocha double latte at the Philippines Starbucks so he could utilize the free wi-fi, except I’m sure his computer was nicked with the rest of his valuables in the mugging, right? Maybe somebody at Starbucks left their email open when they went to the bathroom, so he quickly logged in to send the message to me. That’s probably what he did.

My second tip off that maybe, oh just maybe, his account had been hacked and this was a fraudulent email was that he was sending it to me in the first place. I’m guessing if this guy is stuck out of the country, half beaten, broke and needing help, he’d have to get pretty far down his emergency contact list before he got to me. Unless his wife, kids, parents, next door neighbors, insurance agent and college roommate had all refused the charges for his international collect call for help, I’m probably not going to be the one he asks for cash. I’m not sure he’d even have asked me for the price of a sno-cone at the ball field in person, let alone a major loan via email.

I find it interesting that there are people smart enough to hack into someone’s email account and send out a message to everyone on the contact list with the signature of the poor hacking victim. Yet, the hacker is stupid enough to think anyone would fall for the hoax. And as soon as my friend gets home from the Philippines, heals up and gets a new phone, I’m going to call and tell him that!

Much Ado About Nothing – Letterbox

Much Ado About Nothing July 12, 2018

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

It’s time once again to open my mailbox at MuchAdo@TheSourceWeekly.com. This is something I do quite frequently … if, of course, by “quite frequently” we mean every few years. While I was hoping for emails containing glowing feedback about my column or a letter from the Pulitzer committee congratulating me on my win, I found instead a lot of unrequested correspondence.

I do appreciate Zodor Horseshoes taking the time to message me, but I’m really not in the market for horseshoes. Now if they had donkey shoes, I’d consider getting a donkey and putting him in a nice pair of lace-up saddle shoes in a color that complimented his donkey-ness.

I got quite a few messages screaming out in the subject line that “Gluttony is a Deadly Sin” and begging me to “Stop Being Obese.” Admittedly, I was a bit taken back by their assessment of my body mass index based simply on my email address, but I did skip that last Oreo cookie just the same. Otherwise, I would have had to open the email for a “Christian Friendly Weight Loss Pill.” Believe me, I was tempted because I’m curious how exactly you religiously align a diet pill. But the whole “Lead me not into temptation” thing had me on the delete button instead.

Single Spark Events, though, did get my attention with their email about the “Monster Margarita Festival.” I had no idea monsters enjoyed an occasional alcoholic beverage! They sent another email about the “HUGE Kids Festival” which I deleted. I felt bad for the smaller kids who would obviously not have a festival. I did forward their email regarding the “Kingwood Free Kids Festival” to Children’s Protective Services as I thought it unconscionable that there’s an event passing out free kids. As a parent, I can tell you, there’s no such thing as a free kid.

Unfortunately I simply didn’t have the mental fortitude to open all 28 messages about boosting my brain power. Obviously, someone actually reads this column and has identified a dire need. I do appreciate the tenacity to continue sending those messages several times a day, but should my brain power ramp up any further than it is, I’d blow circuits, fry my hair, and become a one-woman OSHA reportable incident.

Meanwhile, keep those cards and letters coming! You have the address. No electronic stamp required!

  • What I Heard This Week 10-26-2023

    by on October 25, 2023 - 0 Comments

    Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures.  He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “

  • What I Heard This Week 11-30-2023

    by on November 29, 2023 - 0 Comments

    Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures.  He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “

  • Much Ado About Nothing - Texan in Winter

    by on December 6, 2018 - 0 Comments

    The power went out at my house last night for four hours. While this may not seem like a major catastrophe as it was the middle of the night and […]

  • Much Ado About Nothing - “Human Bait”

    by on January 16, 2020 - 0 Comments

    My dad always told me to have a backup plan in case my current job doesn’t work out. I wasn’t sure what that’d be until I saw this ad: “HUMAN […]

  • What I Heard This Week! December 20, 2018

    by on December 20, 2018 - 0 Comments

    The AK-47 is a type of assault rifle originally manufactured in the Soviet Union in 1949. A 17-year-old Humble High School student accidently shot herself recently with an AK-47 that […]

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