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Much Ado About Nothing – Hacked

Much Ado About Nothing May 24, 2018

 

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

My next door neighbor got a United Nations Development Programmed grant. No really! He sent me a Facebook direct message to tell me he got $150,000.00. His exact words were, “I’m no joking or pulling legs.” Here’s where it gets really exciting: he saw my name on their lucky winner list, too, and I should contact the claiming agent RIGHT NOW to claim my lucky prize (link included). What are the chances?! I just wonder why he didn’t mention it to me 20 minutes earlier when we were chatting at the mailbox.

Needless to say, I didn’t click on the link, but I did go take a look at the profile of the “claims agent.” It was a nice touch to have pictures of money, but there was also a meme posted that wasn’t in English. A quick hop over to Google Translate to discover my agent is bilingual in Kwa, the native language of the Yoruba people in Benin, Africa. Pretty impressive for a guy who, from his profile picture, looks like Mr. White America and studied at Texas A&M. Anyway, my online conversation with my neighbor ended when I reminded him I work the US State Department. Go figure.

But wait! My luck had not run out! Two days later I got another Facebook direct message from an elderly friend who I very rarely speak to letting me know that ups had just brought him $50,000.00 and that I “needs” ups to bring it to me, too. I had to think about it for a minute before I realized that ups was not the opposite of downs but UPS, the United Parcel Service. Again, a link was shared that I could contact my agent to claim my big prize, too. Uh huh. I’ll do that, and then I’ll use my ups money to buy a unicorn.

From pictures on the internet, Benin, Africa seems to be where National Geographic goes to take pictures of topless native women with baskets on their heads. How does this country have enough broadband and electrical grid to power this kind of nefarious industry? That Benin is the birthplace of the voodoo religion may not be of any small coincidence. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to send my bank account information to Winnie Mandela.

Hack Job

Much Ado About Nothing April 25, 2017

Jean Ciampi - Much Ado About NothingMuch Ado About Nothing by Jan Ciampi La la la I’m toodling along minding my own business, and wham-o! My email gets hacked. What did I do to deserve having some obnoxious moron in Cyberville target me? I’m not involved with online gambling. I don’t click the ads to learn how to lose 20 pounds of belly fat in two days. Nonetheless, several versions of unfortunate emails were sent to every person in my address book. If you got a message that seemed a little weirder than what I usually send, let me straighten out a few things.

Be confident in my sincerity when I say I care about you deeply, but there will still be things that I don’t need to put on my radar unless I’ve given birth to you. In all honesty, I do not care if you want to further your education through online courses to be a master electrician or cosmetologist. That’s great if you do, but I’m not going to email you information about it. Don’t open those.

Whereas I know quite a few physicians and the pharmacist I use is super nice, I’m not going to hook you up with cheap medications. I don’t know a single doctor, pharmacist or drug dealer in Mexico, Canada or any part of the UK. Shop around. You can find generics everywhere for about $4. That’s as far as I’m going on giving you advice on that. Don’t look for any more emails on that subject.

I don’t care if you’re balding, wrinkled, or have incontinence. Most of all, I do not care about whether or not you increase your personal satisfaction in anything, even if it’s by 200%. An 83-year old friend of mine received an email from me asking if she had certain genitalia. If she did, she needed to click the included link. She promptly emailed back to let me know that even at her age, she was still able to identify her parts. Since she was deficient in the equipment required, she deleted the email. Excuse me while I’m temporarily mortified, but sometimes it pays to be a girl. Even an old girl.

I can only guess that this invasion of my privacy is known as being “hacked” because I was definitely hacked off by the whole experience! What happened to the days when you simply got your house wrapped?

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