I dearly loved my dog, Buster – may his fuzzy heart rest in peace. But I think this may be the first moment I’m glad he’s not alive to see what is happening to dogs these days. Because honestly, I think it’d probably kill him. It seems the latest rumble in dog grooming is glitter balls. Oh, if only I could say this meant sparkly tennis balls for a game of fetch. But no, dear ones, it’s covering the testicles of man’s best friend in glitter. Just when I thought there might be hope for humanity, there’s this.
Before you start an uproar over the cruelty of this, let me point out the only damage to the dog is to his dignity and self-respect. The glitter is completely edible and applied with corn syrup — because you actually need to give your dog one more excuse to lick around on his private bits when Grandma comes over for dinner. Of course, glitter in will also mean glitter out. Not necessarily a bad thing when you consider it will make it a lot easier to find the doggy landmines in the yard on a sunny day. And what dog doesn’t want poop that would make Liberace proud?
Obviously this will be a dog-only trend should it catch on, and please, Dear Lord, do not let this catch on. If you try to decorate the nether regions of your cat, you might be able to get away with it one time only before you wake up with your throat cut on a rusty tuna can. And the cat will slip the murder charge based on justifiable homicide.
How exactly, though, do you take poor Rover to the dog park and not expect him to be bullied by the other dogs? The Pit bulls and Dobermans are sharing stories of being in SPCA lock-up, bragging about getting neutered, and gnawing on old tractor tires while your dog is awkwardly dragging his shame through the grass because you thought glitter balls would be cute.
Oh, there was a time when wolves were top level predators, feared by man and beast for their ferocious attacks. And now we shave their butts and dip their balls in sticky goo to roll them around in glitter. It’s things like this that make the aliens fly right on by our planet.
