There is no greater distress than realizing you need to have a garage sale. Personally, I’d rather drink bleach than have a garage sale, but sometimes you reach that point where you’ve got more junk than sense. Of course, I love going to garage sales. I’m sure there’s an $8.2 million Van Gogh original with a $2 sticker waiting for me to find it in one of my neighbor’s driveways. I did buy an ugly dresser at a garage sale this summer for just a couple of bucks. Not quite a masterpiece, but Van Gogh won’t have to pile his clothes on the floor anymore either.
So last weekend, I sat outside with all of my unwanted possessions. Beyond having to collect all my stuff into the garage then guess how much someone might pay for it and stick little price tags on it all, there are so many reasons to hate garage sales. The fact that 80% of shoppers want to know if you’ll take 10 cents instead of 25 cents on the floor lamp you paid $85 for is right near the top of the list. Ten cents doesn’t make it worth getting up at 6:30 on Saturday morning. The pitcher of mimosas barely made it worth getting up at 6:30 on Saturday morning!
Little kids and dogs also make the list. I didn’t know if I should stop one little darling from turning over a table of glass housewares while her mommy tried to convince me to take a nickel for a never-been-used coffee maker or if I should run over and punt the lap dog that was making a deposit in my front yard. Honestly, I wouldn’t hurt the dog. I didn’t even act on the overpowering urge to hurt the dog’s owner. Although I’ll confess, I put a 75 cent sticker on the owner’s back when I gave her a bag and directions to Fluffy’s still warm gift.
By now, the guy who bought the mosquito zapper should figure out it really doesn’t work. The lady who now owns that pink shirt should realize it doesn’t look good on anyone. The whole world should accept there have only been three treadmills ever and they just migrate from one garage sale to another. And at the end of the day, I’m realizing I never want to do that again.
