Michigan Archives - The Source Weekly

Much Ado About Nothing – “Whata What”

Source Weekly Much Ado About Nothing June 20, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

On February 23, 1836 the great State of Texas was under siege from a foreign source with nefarious plans to take away a foundational key to the all that is great about the State of Texas: Remember the Alamo! August 8, 1950, Texas further establishes its predominance as the epicenter of Oh-Hell-Yeah when the first Whataburger opens in Corpus Christi. Last week, Texas again went under attack. A group of carpetbagger Yankees from Chicago bought Whataburger.

While I’m sure it was a universal response when the news was announced, my knee-jerk reaction was to saddle up, join the forces, storm the beaches and take it back! Having Whataburger guided by anyone who doesn’t understand that the stars at night are big and bright teeters close to being sacrilegious. How this even happened is unfathomable.

Then I took a minute to fathom it. In their defense, the carpetbagger Yankees do want to expand Whataburger further past the confines of the Red River and into places like, hmm, well, uh, how about MICHIGAN! Now I’m putting away my Bowie knife and considering the full impact of this. Honey butter chicken biscuits would go a whole long way to making Michigan and just about everything north of Dallas a better place. Maybe these northerners are the way they are simply because their lives have lacked Whataburger ketchup all this time. Think of how much closer we’d all be to world peace!!

Texas didn’t hold back Nolan Ryan from the rest of the world and yet he never forgot where he came from. Fire ants, FEMA trailers, fajitas, Frito pie have all carried the banner of Texas and maintained their integrity. Okay, maybe not the fire ants, but whatever. Dr. Pepper, Tito’s Handmade Vodka, and even Bluebell Ice Cream can be found beyond the borders and are none the worse for it. I think we have to have faith that even if you take the Sweet and Spicy Bacon Burger Whatameal out of Texas, you can’t take the Texas out of the Sweet and Spicy Bacon Burger Whatameal.
Is it really fair for Texas to selfishly withhold Whataburger from the rest of the country? Shouldn’t everyone be able to get a #1 cheeseburger with bacon, jalapenos and extra pickles, a side of fries and a root beer shake in the drive-thru at 2:20am? Come on, people, this is ‘Merica!

Much Ado About Nothing – Baby It’s Cold Outside

Source Weekly Much Ado About Nothing February 5, 2019

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

“Move to Michigan,” they said. “The snow will be fun,” they said. They lied. Snow is all fun and games until you’ve got a foot and a half of it on the driveway that you’re going to have to shovel out in temperatures that haven’t been this low in 100 years. And then to rub salt in the wound, and on the driveway, Michigan’s Governor Gretchen Whitmer just declared a state of emergency. Excuse me, sister, but I declared a state of emergency back in October when temperatures went below 50. We need to declare a state of Armageddon here.

As I’ve been barricaded in my house near my fireplace begging for global warming to bring an early spring, I’ve learned some interesting things about snow. For example, the colder it is outside, the louder the snow is when you walk or drive on it. Of course, it is. The snow is trying to drown out the sound of transplanted Southerners screaming and wailing about cabin fever and the frostbite on their extremities.

Because the Kwakiutl Indians of British Columbia change their names to the name of one of their ancestors each winter to protect them from the snow spirits, I’m changing my name to Princess PointusSouth. Surely, my ancestors had the good sense to migrate to more tropical climes.

Everyone knows we don’t eat the yellow snow, but I’ve now been warned if you eat the red snow, you’ll end up with brown snow. Called “watermelon snow,” there are drifts of ruddy-tinted snow that actually smell like fresh watermelon. I’m guessing this is the winter equivalent of a desert mirage, but it’s caused by a species of pigmented algae that grows in ice. Supposedly it tastes great, but it’ll give you the runs. My advice: question everything and don’t trust your snow cones.

Currently, my family has me on Pibloktoq Watch. Pibloktoq is a snow-induced hysteria experienced by people living in the Arctic, which is practically where I am, that can cause symptoms like echolalia (senseless repetition of overheard words) and running around naked in the snow. Proof that too much snow can, in fact, make you crazy. Combine this with the watermelon snow, and you’ve potentially got a crisis of epic proportions. Proof, too, that things really can get worse. But you’ll excuse me, I have to go shovel now.

Much Ado About Nothing – Texan in Winter

Source Weekly Much Ado About Nothing December 6, 2018

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

The power went out at my house last night for four hours. While this may not seem like a major catastrophe as it was the middle of the night and I was sleeping, except for the fact that when the power went out, so did the heat. And it was cold last night. Really cold. The kind of cold that completely explains why Michigan is shaped like a mitten. The kind of cold that makes a Texas girl wonder, What the Heck am I Doing Here?! And then it started snowing. Again.

It is only the first of dadgum December! In the last month alone, I have collectively experienced more winter than I have in my entire lifetime combined. But get this: Winter doesn’t even officially start for another couple of weeks. What really makes that remarkable is that last winter only wrapped up a couple of weeks ago. I’m almost positive that there are winters here that just overlap right onto each other. You never know if one winter has stopped before the next one starts.

While I am a great advocate for clean oceans, preservation of endangered species and conservation, I am also now a great proponent of global warming. As temperatures hover in the teens and 20’s, I’ve put my wool sock covered, insulated booted foot down that I will refuse to leave my house until the temperature is at least my age. And for the first time in my life, I’m happy to be as old as I am. Bring on the birthdays and the heat!

For that matter, at my age, where the heck are the hot flashes that are supposed to be showing up? What does a girl have to do to get a decent hot flash around here? Thankfully, I have friends my age and I will bask in the heat of their hormonal misfortune. Let’s face it, I am a silver-lining kind of girl like that.

As we push towards that longest night and the official start of winter, I’m increasingly concerned about the fact that there’s now only about 20 minutes between sun up and sun set. I have tan lines from the sun light simulator lamp on my desk and monitor my cravings for salted whale meat as a sure sign that I may be transforming into a polar bear.

Oh, and it’s snowing again.

Much Ado About Nothing – On the Move

Source Weekly Much Ado About Nothing August 22, 2018

Much Ado by Jean Ciampi

Heed my words: Do not pray for patience as God will provide the opportunities for you to learn it. Never ask, “What else can possibly go wrong?” Trust me, nothing tempts the Universe to yell, “Hold my beer!” more than that. And never ever, don’t ever say never. I actually said once I’d never live in the Middle East which landed me in Saudi Arabia for three years. As Harvey threatened Texas, I said, “My house will never flood.” It flooded. And then I said, “I’m never moving again.” Fill out the change of address card because I’m moving. TO MICHIGAN!

Imma gunna freeze! Michigan, where cold fronts are six foot deep! You don’t understand, people; my blood is so thin, it’s invisible! I fully expect by the end of my first winter to be found encased in ice like a Yeti on the backside of Everest, a look of miserable shock forever captured on my face. Ice belongs in tea or cream, not spread in deadly sheets across the road with the sole purpose of sending your car careening into a ditch so no one finds you until the “spring thaw” in July.

We’ve already bought a house there from a very nice couple who are gleefully laughing with giddy joy as they hippy-hop off to retirement in Florida. I think I may hate them. Despite that, they were so very kind as to agree to leave the outdoor patio heater and the snow blower for us. Snow blower? Are there YouTube videos for how to operate that? I mean, do you run out as soon as it starts snowing and blow the offending fluffy ice masses back into the sky? Do they have plow attachments for the mower? And in the name of all things holy, how do I get a pizza delivered in January?!

I’m trying hard to see the positives. I’ll have seasons and Hurricane won’t be one of them. I can look forward to summer – all 26 days of it. White Christmas will be more than just a song. I suppose, too, if I can survive three plus years in Saudi Arabia, I can probably survive Siberia. And as long as there’s an internet connection, I’ll keep writing this column.

Popular
Comments
Tags

What I Heard This Week 10-26-2023

by Source Weekly on October 25, 2023 - 0 Comments

Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures. He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “
What I Heard This Week 11-30-2023

by Source Weekly on November 29, 2023 - 0 Comments

Former US astronaut Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, recently remarried for the fourth time, which also happened to be on the occasion of his 93rd birthday. This time it was to Dr. Anca Faur, his 63-year-old, long-time companion (who looks like she wants to be 27), has a PhD in chemical engineering, and is now the executive vice president of Aldrin’s company, Buzz Aldrin Ventures. He was first married to Joan Ann Archer in 1954 until divorcing in 1974. The next year he married Beverly Van Zile; they divorced after three years. His third marriage was to Lois Driggs Cannon in 1988 on Valentine's Day, divorcing 23 years later. Looks like he hasn’t given up on ‘love’ quite yet. He has sued two of his children and his former business manager claiming they stole money from him and are slandering his legacy, and that they also undermined his "personal romantic relationships" by forbidding him from getting married. His children say he is also spending money at an alarming rate. Sounds like those children are out of luck. There is a new sheriff in town and her name is MRS. Aldrin. ☹ Notes: Aldrin is also a strong advocate for human exploration of Mars. In 2002, he escaped assault charges after punching a man who demanded he swear on a Bible that the Moon landing was not staged. Good for him. He also said, “Tang sucks. “
Much Ado About Nothing - Texan in Winter

by Source Weekly on December 6, 2018 - 0 Comments

The power went out at my house last night for four hours. While this may not seem like a major catastrophe as it was the middle of the night and […]
Much Ado About Nothing - “Human Bait”

by Source Weekly on January 16, 2020 - 0 Comments

My dad always told me to have a backup plan in case my current job doesn’t work out. I wasn’t sure what that’d be until I saw this ad: “HUMAN […]
What I Heard This Week! December 20, 2018

by Source Weekly on December 20, 2018 - 0 Comments

The AK-47 is a type of assault rifle originally manufactured in the Soviet Union in 1949. A 17-year-old Humble High School student accidently shot herself recently with an AK-47 that […]

Local Events

Did You Know?

Cocktails of the Week

This wonderfully refreshing drink hits the spot on a hot afternoon

Much Ado About Nothing – “Whata What”

Much Ado About Nothing – Baby It’s Cold Outside

Much Ado About Nothing – Texan in Winter

Much Ado About Nothing – On the Move

What I Heard This Week 10-26-2023

What I Heard This Week 11-30-2023

Much Ado About Nothing - Texan in Winter

Much Ado About Nothing - “Human Bait”

What I Heard This Week! December 20, 2018

Archive

Local Events

Upcoming Events

Did You Know?

Cocktails of the Week

Recipes of the Week

Shop Local

Disclaimer

223 Parking Way
Lake Jackson, TX 77566
Published in Lake Jackson

TEL: 979-285-9200
FAX: 979-285-9255

Archive

Local Events

Did You Know?

Cocktails of the Week

Recipes of the Week

Shop Local

Disclaimer

223 Parking Way Lake Jackson, TX 77566 Published in Lake Jackson

TEL: 979-285-9200 FAX: 979-285-9255

223 Parking Way
Lake Jackson, TX 77566
Published in Lake Jackson

TEL: 979-285-9200
FAX: 979-285-9255