Morning inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? We have been so serious lately with this virus stuff. Prepare to smile, in a smug, conceited or silly way. Eye-rolling accepted.

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OK, singles. It’s time to start dating the older guys because they can get you in the grocery store earlier.

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The Rolling Stones had been in the recording studio working on new music before our quarantine and decided to share one particular track they have been working on, Living in a Ghost Town, since everyone is living it right now. It was recorded in LA, London and in isolation, and is their first new original release since 2012. It has a little coronavirus vibe to it. Within days it secured the Stones’ first ever #1 on iTunes (which was, sigh, only created in 2001). Not bad for four guys that have been making music together since 1962. For the math-challenged, that’s about 58 years. Mick Jagger is 76, lead guitarist Keith Richards is 76, Drummer Charlie Watts is 78 and the baby, guitarist Ronnie Wood is only 72. Just when we need it, they are throwing more great rock-n-roll our direction.

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To the people who bought 20 bottles of soap leaving none on the shelves for others, you do realize that to stop getting Coronavirus, you need other people washing their hands too.

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A reporter appeared live on GMA to speak about CVS and UPS working to deliver prescriptions by drones in Florida. The reporter was onscreen for 30 seconds or so, which was time enough to see that a button-down shirt, jacket and beautiful background were not the only thing viewers saw. He did not have on his pants. He says he was trying to be efficient while getting ready for his workout and had on shorts. I wonder how my office would feel if I wore my nightgown to the office so I would be more efficient at bedtime. Some people were meant to work from home…and some were not.

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They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on.

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Just finished weed pulling in the garden, then I came in to work on this column. As I sat down and pulled the keyboard towards me, I felt a tickle on the inside of my elbow. You know, where the skin is soft and sensitive. I reached down to brush it off and saw a forgotten watermelon radish in my jean’s pocket with the long skinny 4-inch root sticking out. I meant to wash and eat it. Yes, the life of a week-end farmer is nice. By the way, I only harvested two pathetic radishes out of the whole package of seeds that I planted. Rule #1: Sometimes your harvest is good, more often your harvest is not good, so please remember to plant some for you, then more for the bugs, rabbits and the days that you forget to water.

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For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us? Just asking for a friend.

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Sweeny Residents: “A concerned citizen contacted City Hall about a suspicious interaction they had with two individuals attempting to gain access to the resident’s home to test their water for COVID-19. These individuals reportedly stated that they were contracted by the City to do this. The resident did not let them in to their home and instead offered them a sample through other means. They then proceeded to tell the resident that their water was contaminated, and a form needed to be filled out which included personal information including their Social Security Number. The individuals were driving a grey Mercedes.”  Beware and be smart, especially now. There are people that prey on disasters.

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I used to spin that toilet paper roll like I was on The Wheel of Fortune, now I turn it like I am cracking a safe.

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RECENT BIRTHDAYS: Talk show host Conan O’Brien is 57. Actress Andie MacDowell is 62. Four Weddings and a Funeral. Guitarist-songwriter Duane Eddy is 82. Singer Maurice Williams is 82. Maurice and the Zodiacs. Actor Channing Tatum is 40. Singer Robert Smith is 61. Actress Food Personality Valerie Bertinelli is 60. (how the heck did that happen?) TV personalities Drew & Jonathan Scott are 42. Talk-show host Jay Leno is 70. Actress Ann-Margaret is 79. First Lady Melania Trump is 50.

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Tom Lester, the last surviving cast member of Green Acres, died at 81 of Parkinson’s. He played farmhand, Eb Dawson, one of Hooterville’s favorites, and was an evangelist. Dr. Lorna Breen, the NY Presbyterian Allen Hospital Emergency Room director, died at age 49 of suicide. She is being hailed as a hero and ‘casualty of war’ who witnessed death, horror and trauma as New York City and hospitals tended to a massive influx of patients they could not always save. NY Presbyterian Allen is a 200-bed hospital that at one time was treating 170 patients with COVID-19. Breen tested positive but recovered and had gone back to work, before going to stay with family. Philip Kahn, a decorated WWII veteran, died at age 100 of COVID-19, 100 years after his twin brother died from the Spanish Flu. He said, “…history is repeating itself. I lived a long time, 100 years, but 100 years is not a long time for history. We could have been better prepared for this.'”

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How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My husband keeps trying to get into the house.

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File this under “Things That You Should NOT Ever Consider Doing…Ever.” Do not drink bleach or disinfectants. Do not even think about placing disinfectants directly inside the body to treat infection. President Donald Trump said he was being sarcastic when he stated that perhaps the virus could be cured/killed with injecting disinfectants. Saturday Night Live loved it, so dreamy Brad Pitt opened the show playing Dr. Anthony Fauci, trying to explain what Trump really meant, then pulled off his wig and glasses and thanked everyone that is working so hard to protect us, including Dr. Fauci.

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Corona Precautions: I went to the bathroom. I washed my hands. Opened the door with my elbow. Raised the toilet seat with my foot. I turned on the water faucet with a tissue. Opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow. And when I returned to my table, I realized…I forgot to pull up my pants.

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During this time when cities are closing urban parks because of overcrowding fears, a new design has been proposed for a vacant lot in the city of Vienna. The park is called Park de la Distance and will guide visitors on a solitary walk around a maze-like path on parallel lanes separated by hedges. Only one person can enter each lane at a time with each walk taking about 20 minutes. “Sometimes visitors are fully immersed by nature, other times they emerge over the hedge and can see across the garden,” the designers wrote in a project description. “But at all times, they keep a safe physical distance from each other.” Hmmm.  As a very practical woman, all I could think about was “who will trim all those hedges?”

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People with a cold: “I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible.” People with COVID-19: “I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and perhaps do some white-water rafting in Camino de Santiago”

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The LJ Intermediate School Choir program had another remarkable performance at this year’s UIL Concert and Sight-Reading contest. Congratulations again, David Hill. One of the movie’s that we have re-watched during this crazy time, was Pride & Prejudice (2005) with Keira Knightley. All three of us loved it. The WWI movie 1917 was great. Acetic acid, aka white vinegar, can act as a disinfectant that can destroy some bacteria and viruses, but it has NOT been found to be effective against COVID-19. Before COVID-19, there were more than 5 million borrowers in default on federal or private student loans. The U.S. Department of Education announced a 60-day suspension of collection actions and wage garnishment. Private collection agencies were instructed to halt all student loan collection activities. In less than 3-months, the pandemic has killed more Americans than the two decades of the Vietnam War. The U.S. hit one million cases, that’s one-third of all the world’s cases.

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An employee at Wyoming Behavioral Institute, home to one of the largest clusters of cases in Wyoming, had tested positive for the virus. So, on the same day, his roommate (who was a health-care worker) sought to obtain a covid-19 test. It was suggested at testing time that the roommate self-quarantine for three days until the test results were back, but instead, the roommate decided to go to a party that night…and another party the next night. This worker received his test results: positive for coronavirus. 90% of us are doing what we are supposed to do, but it’s the 10% that there’s no control over. Easing restrictions will work if everyone does their part or it is two steps forward, ten steps back.

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COVID-19 achieved what no female has ever been able to achieve. It canceled sports, closed bars and kept guys at home!

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Today, I thought of more good things that have happened because of our shutdown. When I get ready to leave for the office each of my three mornings a week now, I go kiss each of my kids and tell them that I love them. This morning my daughter was having a meeting with one of her professors online and she mouthed to me what was going on as I walked in to her room, probably so I wouldn’t say something stupid…so I kissed her on top of the head and told her that I loved her, bent down to the computer, said hello to Professor George and left. What a great way to start the morning. Another day I sat on the back porch and drank coffee in my pj’s. That was great! Today I was opening mail and paying bills, but I stopped. Instead I took out two big green envelopes, put packages of flower seeds in each, decorated and colored them with pictures of flowers, sunshine, watering can, and a little girl holding flowers. Then got them ready to mail to Lydia, our office baby who is now a preschooler. We miss seeing her. Now she can plant some flowers and think of us when they sprout. The post office made $1.10. On a normal day I would not have taken the time to do this…

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My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately, now when I pee, I clean the toilet.

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It is May and for the most part, people are still making good choices, but we are now restless and poor. Gov. Abbott announced a partial reopening “because the COVID-19 infection rate has been on the decline over the past seventeen days.”  Well, I have no idea where that information came from because I cannot locate a decline. He said that businesses will be allowed to open-up in phases so that Texas is not forced to close businesses again after a second wave of outbreak. WHAT? Second wave! I absolutely do not want to start this process over from the beginning. If you personally feel the need to go out, I understand, but please wear a mask for those of us that have had punctured lungs, asthma and are over 60. We want to last for a little bit longer, and in all fairness, we need your help to do so. The CDC says that seven (7!) models anticipate a rise in cases depending on how much ‘contact reduction’ we practice. Please continue making good choices. Abbott also said, “It’s hard to get rid of this virus because it is so contagious. So, we’re not just going to open up and hope for the best.”  I hope that is true. As of 04-28-20, 476 cases reported, 6 deaths, 257 recovered and 1,578 tested in Brazoria Co.

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What I understand about alcohol: 70% Isopropyl alcohol should kill 99.99% of everything on the skin. From what I could find, the reason to go with 91% is if you are cleaning something that should not get wet because it evaporates faster. 70% isopropyl is a better disinfectant because it works by denaturing proteins (penetrating the cell wall of a virus) with a small amount of water making it more efficient because it slows down evaporation, therefore increasing surface contact time, enhancing effectiveness.

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To those who are complaining about a quarantine period and curfews, just remember that your grandparents were called to war, you are being called to sit on a couch and watch Netflix. You can do it.

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Thank you to KeepLaughingForever.com for some of the jokes, along with lovely friends that continue to have a great sense of humor during all this. Be sure to find something to sell. We need ads.

Lisa