With the spooky and all together ookey season of Halloween upon us, it’s time to cut the eye holes in the bedsheet for your ghost costume, stock up on one bag more of the fun-size Snickers than you’ll actually pass out, and get a new pet. I suggest an adorable bone-eating snot-flower. What? Can’t find one at the animal shelter? Don’t look in the flower section because they’re actually worms, plus they get snapped up as soon as they arrive. No worries. You can find them devouring whale carcasses in the ocean. Change your ghost costume to the Navy SEAL costume and go bag one.
Maybe a mucus-covered water worm isn’t your ideal. I get that. What about a screaming hairy armadillo? Your friends will all be amazed that you actually have a live armadillo as so many of us believe they’re just born dead on the side of West Texas highways. This precious pet, while relatively compatible with children (who stay away from it and don’t try to pet or cuddle it), will not do well in a house with pet snakes as they are prone to jump on them and slice them in half with the edge of their shell. And they scream.
If neither of those choices seem to resonate with you, may I suggest – since you still have on your Navy SEAL costume – a Vampyroteuthis infernalis. It’s not like your neighbors will think you got one just because they have one as they would if you adopted a Labradoodle puppy. Also known as Vampire Squid from Hell, these cute cephalopods (wishing you’d paid attention in Biology class now, aren’t you?), aren’t actually vampires or blood-suckers nor do they live in Hell. Although a good half mile or more down in the ocean might seem like right next door. Nothing welcomes you home after a long day at work like a Vampire Squid (as long as you don’t startle it).
Still not feeling it? Maybe this is the Halloween for a new pet Satanic Leaf-tailed Gecko! Okay, okay, not that, but what about a Devil’s Flower Mantis? No? Fine, put the sheet back on and adopt a Ghost Ant! And just a head’s up: if you smell coconut, you’ve probably just stepped on your ghost ant.
No matter what pet you choose: Adopt! Don’t Shop! And Happy Halloween!
