I’m a certified scuba diver and have been for more than 25 years. But when I mentioned to a friend I was planning a spring dive trip, she immediately reacted in terror that I’d be eaten by sharks. While there is an identified group of people who would be happy to see me eaten by sharks, I’m afraid it isn’t likely. I’m at greater risk from toasters, paper cuts and cows.

Honestly, my odds are better in a school of hammerheads (which are credited with munching zero people and even fewer divers last year) than adding toast to my BLT. Toaster deaths in the US alone were up 7%. In 2007, there were more toaster related fatalities than deaths from polio. According to Dr. Kevin Willie, self-proclaimed statistical genius, “At the steep rate that toaster deaths are increasing, the entire human race may soon be wiped out.” So skip investing in most of your extended warranties, because it sounds like your Sunbeam multi-slice toaster will make them irrelevant.

Those who survive the toaster apocalypse may only meet an untimely end delivered by a grass-chomping, milk-making bovine of death. Twenty-two people die each year in unprovoked cow killings. Of those, 75% were deliberate – may I say premeditated – attacks and just fewer than 20% were gang activity. Yes, multiple cows in a group, working together. Personally, I feel I should eat a cheeseburger in retribution and as a show of outraged solidarity for these senseless deaths.

I’d gladly write a letter to my elected government officials about these problems, except I would run the risk of a paper cut. On average, 10 people die from complications related to paper cuts every year. The best way to avoid becoming one of these victims is to join the modern electronic age and go paperless. However, if you find yourself around sharp paper, remain calm. Paper can smell fear.

Of course, sharks can smell fear and paper cuts. Nevertheless, only one person in the US last year was killed in a shark attack. Although I’m not sure attack is the right word. It seemed completely accidental, and the shark apologized in a written statement to the media. Visibility was low, the swimmer got his leg stuck in the shark’s mouth, it was all just an unfortunate mix-up. Obviously not true about the cows, and you simply can’t trust a toaster now.