I just visited Canada for the first time. Canada, for those of you who never once showed up for your World Geography class in high school, is that really big country just north of the United States. It’s that place everyone says they’re moving to when their candidate doesn’t win except it’s more expensive and harder to get into than the US. Canada is known for having a prime minister with really good hair, dominating winter sports like curling, finishing every sentence with “eh,” and they’ve got a heckin’ lotta moose. What Canada does not have at all anywhere is unsweet tea. Like nowhere.

Honestly, I don’t understand this phenomenon. This is a first world country! They’re part of the British Commonwealth. As in England! That place that stops everything around 4pm to have … wait for it … tea. Yet, in Canada, there is not a drop that isn’t steeped in some kind of diabetes-inducing, beverage-ruining sugary substance.

Now admittedly, I didn’t scour the entire 3.8 million square miles of the whole country. Of course, 39% of the country is above the Arctic Circle and, let’s face it, no tea is worth being attacked and eaten by a polar bear, so I’m just going to say there’s no unsweet tea there. But I did a thorough search of several stores including WalMart, convenience marts, restaurants, even fast food places one would expect to find unsweet tea like Subway, Starbucks, and a strange place called Pita Pit. And nothing.

If you ask for unsweet tea — even if you speak slowly, explain you want tea that is not sweet at all with anything, just tea and water — you get artificially sweetened sweet tea. And this is no sorta kinda barely sweet tea we’re talking about. There are places in the heart of the Deep South that don’t have tea that sweet. Yet, it’s like I’m speaking some completely foreign language. Although, let me point out, these people do speak English. Okay, yes, they speak French, too, but it’s not like I’m the first American English speaking person to pop over the border.

So Canada, the trade routes are open. Send us a couple of moose and an autographed picture of the prime minister and we’ll send you some unsweet tea. Just give it a try. You’ll love it! I promise, eh.