Much Ado About Nothing – “Texas”
Have you ever noticed how many things in Texas want to kill you? The list is not short! In a state known for welcoming hospitality and friendly people, if you’re not careful, you’ll end up slightly less than alive. Forget the whole concealed carry thing, these are much sneakier threats.
Snakes. Texas is full of snakes that want to kill you. Rattlesnakes, copperheads, cotton-mouthed water moccasins and coral snakes are just slithery assassins. Even king snakes that just look like coral snakes could probably kill you simply because you’ll have a heart attack and die before realizing the ring colors are in the wrong order. Add them to the list.
Spiders, like the black widow and brown recluse, alligators and sharks are waiting for you to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Ticks want to infect you with all kinds of terrible things that will make you wish you were dead even if they don’t actually kill you.
On the How Not to Die in Texas list is also: Don’t eat oleanders, azaleas or daffodils. They’ll kill you. Rhubarb pies are good. Rhubarb leaves will kill you. Water hemlock and, no surprise, Poisonous Hemlock will also kill you.
You don’t need me to tell you that the heat, the heated humidity, and the heat are a quick way to get yourself not alive. When Dallas clocks in at 80 degrees on Christmas Day in 2016, you’re living on the hot side of Hell. Hurricane storm surges on the coast, tornadoes pretty much everywhere else could potentially be a real threat if you don’t pay attention to the weather because you’re stomping snakes or eating oleanders.
Texas is number one in so many great ways, however, it was also ranked number one in auto accident fatalities in 2017. You’re more likely to die on the road in Texas than anywhere else in the US. So if you see a snake, don’t swerve to miss it and get in an accident that could potentially kill you or others.
Despite all this, Davy Crockett said, “I must say as to what I have seen of Texas, it is the garden spot of the world. The best land & best prospects for health I ever saw is here, and I do believe it is a fortune to any man to come here.” Of course, too, he’s dead.
