Much Ado About Nothing – Valentine’s Day Advice
February and Valentines are sprouting out all over! Hallmark is ready to cash in big, but only if the men in your life don’t have a flag thrown for illegal use of stupidity in a stupid-free zone. So listen up, guys, because I’m going to try and help you out here with a few pointers about women. You don’t have to take notes, just print this off and carry a copy in your wallet.
Tip #1: Remember that there are just things you cannot say to a woman no matter how obvious, harmless, or well-intended they may seem. For example, do not point out that skinny jeans do not actually make you skinny or, most of the time, even look skinny. She does not need you to tell her that, especially if she’s wearing a pair she paid $140 for and had to lie on the bed to zip. Do not ask if she’s pregnant, had too much to drink, is menstruating, can pay for your beer, or minds if eat the last buffalo wing. Just assume the answer to all of those is no.
Tip #2: Never assume. Do not assume that you know more about football, basketball, Texas Hold ‘Em, or more about who won the 1937 World Series (The defending champion New York Yankees beat the New York Giants in a rematch of the 1936 Series.) Do not assume she can’t drive a stick shift, operate a chainsaw, or unclog her own toilets. Maybe she can’t now, but give her two hours and access to YouTube and she will.
Tip #3: Never discuss her weight, her ex, her relationship with her mother, or how she voted in the last presidential election. Nor does she want to hear how much you bench press, about your ex or your mother, or how you voted. Neither are her clothes, hair, car, or decorating choices up for discussion.
Tip #4: Get a puppy. If a girl doesn’t love an adorable puppy, there may be something more wrong than you can handle. If you yourself don’t love adorable puppies, there’s something more wrong with you than you can handle. Get counseling.
Remember, not all women are man-haters, and even those who are usually will make an exception. Just heed these tips, buy some flowers, put the toilet seat down, and have a Happy Valentine’s Day!
Oh, there was a time when wolves were top level predators, feared by man and beast for their ferocious attacks. And now we shave their butts and dip their balls in sticky goo to roll them around in glitter. It’s things like this that make the aliens fly right on by our planet.
