Much Ado About Nothing – “Vulture Vomit”
Which Syrian gypsy do you have to piss off to get a curse laid on you that makes two dozen, Federally-protected black vultures vomit and poop all over your three quarters of a million dollar Florida vacation home? Siobhan Casimano of New York knows because that horrible black cloud has settled over his West Palm Beach vacation house. He describes the smell as “like a thousand rotting corpses.” Considering the dietary habits of an average American vulture, I’d say, yeah, that’s probably about right.
Oh but wait! It gets better! The extremely unwelcome feathered visitors aren’t just hanging out in the yard politely making their putrid mess. No. They have clawed apart the screened enclosures and taken over the pool and barbecue. I’m sure it won’t be long before they’re raiding the liquor cabinet and joy-riding in the Mercedes. It’s like being overrun by drunk zombie frat boys on Spring Break times 24 million!
Turns out, the curse-casting Syrian gypsy lives in the neighborhood. One of the neighbors (who may or may not be an actual Syrian gypsy) has been feeding the giant carcass consumers. We’re not talking sunflower seeds and songbird mix here either. She’s putting out bags of dog food and entire chickens. Which makes you wonder if the cuckooberry bush hasn’t bloomed there. I mean, I feed the hummingbirds, but they don’t puke decomposing flesh all over me.
And because Mr. Casimano has earned the front row seat on the express bus to hell, there’s nothing he can do to the vultures. They’re migratory and therefore protected by federal law. Everything he’s tried hoping to scare them off has only annoyed them so they attack him. No small thing when you consider their beaks can bite through bones. Or your skull. Or the skull of the president of the homeowners association who also can’t do anything about the big barf birds or the woman who keeps feeding them.
More bad news? Black vultures have no natural predators. Therefore, the options remaining here, as I see it, are to just burn down the entire neighborhood. I don’t think anyone will fight that. Obviously, property values are now on the menu at Café Corpse.
On the bright side, this makes having my in-laws visit for a week not seem so bad.
