Much Ado About Nothing – Wienie Water
The accusatory finger was pointed at P.T. Barnum when the words were uttered, “There’s a sucker born every minute.” There is no greater modern-day proof of the shocking truth of that statement than the fact that you can now purchase a tube of Hot Dog Water for $37.99 before applicable sales tax. And people actually are! Seriously. A tube filled with a small wiener floating in the unfiltered water it was cooked in. Just when I thought there was hope for mankind.
Douglas Bevans, who seems to be at the center of the wiener water world, set up a booth at a festival in Vancouver, British Columbia and did a frighteningly great amount of business on the premise that the wonder water would make you look younger, improve your overall vitality, reduce swelling, and – wait for it – improve your brain function. Well, thank God! Because if I’m shucking out nearly $40 for a small bottle of cold hot dog water and actually drinking it, I’ve got serious issues with my brain function, to the point that I shouldn’t be operating heavy equipment, like a toothbrush, for example.
What’s more, you can also purchase hot dog water lip balm, body fragrance, and hot dog water breath spray. Obviously, I need to be drinking my chilled hot dog water because I’m not finding enough brain function to figure out why you’d want your breath or body to smell like hot dog water unless you are an actual dog. In which case, perhaps we should consider expanding this idea into toilet water as well.
When asked to substantiate the miracle claims of his wiener water, Mr. Bevans, who is the Hot Dog Water CEO, hemmed and hawed to Global News, “There’s a fair bit of it that is too science-y for me, but from what I understand from the specialists here working on it, it’s this idea of like-likes-like.” Like oh my God like for sure like I get that… No. No, I don’t get that.
When you boil it down, this is no different than coffee enemas, tongue scraping, leaches, blood-letting, or hay bathing (soaking in a pile of wet hay to relieve joint pain – really, it’s a thing.) But on the chance I’m wrong, just send your $40 directly to me, and I’ll send back a magical package of Oscar Meyers and you give it a whirl.
.
